Hold Me Higher
by Queen Miley
Summary: Starts right after 10x20. All Jackson wants is for his wife to come home so they can start the long process of reconciling their two differing belief systems into one successful marriage. But a crisis in April's mental health proves that things will be harder for them than he ever imagined. Trigger warnings inside.
1. Chapter 1

_Trigger warning for depression and suicidal thoughts for especially this chapter and for a lot of this story. If you think this story might give you trouble, please don't read it. _

It's not that she regrets her decision. She regrets the pain it caused. She regrets that it took her so long and she regrets her mother's hysteria over the phone the next day, but she could never, ever regret Jackson Avery. Even though they're fighting over something that might not be reconcilable, even though he said God doesn't exist, and even though she has no idea how they would go forward, she knows that running back down the aisle was the best decision she's ever made.

She loves Jackson, with all her heart. She loves her family, too. And Arizona, and Meredith and Cristina. She also loves Alex and Derek, but she guesses in a way they're all part of her family, too. She loves in her life, and she knows she's loved in return. But she can't really feel it anymore.

See, she's been living with a secret for a while now. Her secret isn't an affair or another job or another life; her secret is a feeling. Her secret is an aching hollowness; her secret is a weight in her chest. She can't really pinpoint when it started this time around, but she can remember the first time she ever felt it. She was 21.

It's cold out. She didn't bring a jacket. But it's ok, she thinks, because a jacket will seem pretty insignificant to whoever it is that has to remove her body from the pavement, with her bones as crushed as her soul.

She tries praying one last time, but the end result is the same. Her faith has given her so much throughout her life, but whatever saving power Jesus has for her has run out. She's at the end of her rope. He's not going to save her now. She's already taken too much from him. He probably hates her, she thinks. Suicide is a sin and she's asked him to talk her out of it too many times.

Hell. That's where she's probably going. She's never really liked to think of anyone going to hell. She doesn't believe nonbelievers go to hell, or gay people, or even necessarily murderers. It's so complicated, much more complicated than she could ever understand. But she just _knows_ that someone like her isn't worthy of heaven. She's been saved too many times.

Saved by Jesus, saved by Jackson, saved by Owen offering her a job as a surgeon again, saved with another chance at the boards, saved by the shooter at the hospital. She's not worthy anymore. But was she ever really?

I'm not worthy of this life anymore, she thinks. And she's not entirely sure this life is worth living anymore because she can't seem to enjoy anything anymore, even though there's so much her life to rejoice in. The pain will probably go away again like it always seems to, but it also always seems to come back.

She takes another step forward. She's at the edge now- one more step and it's all gone; she's gone. She pauses for a moment, squeezing her eyes shut, trying to remember all the good. Even with a life like hers, she still thinks her last moment should be a happy one. Jackson's smile flashes through her mind one last time and she smiles too, ready to take the last step-

"Kepner?"

**1-800-273-TALK**(8255) please don't hesitate to call if you or someone else needs help! Life is worth living!


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you for your kind reviews! I really appreciate your feedback. I just want to make it clear that a lot of the things I'm saying (well, writing) are supposed to reflect a depressed mind. If it feels like I'm romanticizing depression/being suicidal I'm not trying to, I'm just trying to write what I think April would be thinking at this time. Depression/suicide is not beautiful and taking your life is not the right choice in any circumstance, but April is sick and thinks that this is the best option for her. None of you criticized me or anything, but I just want to be really clear going forward. Thanks!_

"Kepner?"

The blanket of tranquility and serenity wrapped around her is unraveled and ripped from her in an instant. Her soul was bare before, but it feels infinitely more vulnerable in the presence of her friend. It's as if the weather's dry cold has cracked her skin and infiltrated her, stealing away the peace that she had found in her finality. He's not supposed to be here. No one is supposed to be here.

"Kepner! You're going to fall off! I don't know what you're doing but can you at least take a few steps back? Avery's going to make this hospital a living hell if you die on my watch."

Alex. Her sweet Alex. Well, maybe sweet isn't the right word to describe him. He can't see this- he's already been through so much in his life. She doesn't turn around.

"Go inside, Alex."

"Not until you take a couple of steps back."

"Go inside, Alex," she repeats, her voice more firm this time. She's caught between anger from him ruining her perfect moment and her need to protect him. How is he supposed to move forward if he watches her end her life? How is he going to cope if he watches his friend take flight, only to have the life smashed out of her?

"April, you're gonna fall!"

"I'm not going to fall, Alex."

"April-

"I'm not going to fall, Alex."

Her voice catches a little bit in her throat. Alex isn't going to leave. How is she supposed to tell her friend goodbye?

"Look, I don't know what's going on with you, Kepner, but you're going to fall and it's freaking me out. Come inside with me."

She turns around this time.

"I'm not going to fall, Alex. I'm going to jump."

She nearly flings herself off the top of the hospital at that very moment to forget the way Alex's face changes over the course of a second. There's shock, then disbelief, then the unimaginable horror when he takes in her appearance and processes her voice and realizes she's being serious. She imagines his face mirrors what hers looked like when Gary Clark was pointing a gun at her. But she doesn't jump, not then, because her final moment is supposed to be a perfect one. She's going to do this right.

"Take a step towards me, April."

"Alex, you don't understand I-

"Take a step towards me, April," he pleads, tears starting to blear his eyes and his voice.

"I can't do that."

"Yes you can. Damn it April of course you can! What you can't do is throw yourself off a freaking building!"

He's about to add that she can't throw herself off a building a freaking building over a temporary problem, or some stupid fight with Avery that he heard she was having, but he stops himself. He knows that it's more than that, that it's so much more. He cared for his schizophrenic mother while he was growing up; if anyone knows what mental illness is capable of, it's him. His friend is sick and she needs his most compassionate rationality, not his anger and panic.

"Listen to me April, you're sick. You're depressed. You have clinical depression. It's an illness and it's a real thing. You know that, you're a doctor, right? You know what depression is, April, and you know that it's treatable. Can you just stop for a second and think that through for me?"

"It's not, it's different, I'm-

"No April, it's not different. Please, just try and listen and to me. Your mind is sick and it's making you think all this. It's making you think that you have to die, or that you're a worthless piece of shit, or whatever it is that you're thinking. April, this is treatable, we can get through this. I'm not the type to hold anyone's damn hand but I will hold your damn hand through this. You are beautiful and you are smart and this world needs you. I need you, your husband needs you! Think about Avery damn it!"

"He deserves better."

"No he freaking doesn't! I know I've been an ass to you but I love you! I freaking love you, April Kepner! You're the annoying little sister I never had! And by annoying, I mean perfect. You're perfect, April. You're a damn good surgeon, you're kind, and you're just so, so perfect. I need you. You need you. Take a step toward me, April."

"I'm messed up. I can never be happy."

"You're not messed up. You're sick and it's not your fault. You're a trauma surgeon, if a patient needed surgery what would you do?"

"Alex-

"What would you freaking do, Dr. Kepner?"

"Give them the surgery, I guess?"

"Damn right you would! You would treat them, because you're a doctor. Was is the patient's fault they got hit by a car or whatever? No! Be a doctor to yourself, April. By no fault of your own, you need some medical intervention. I know for a fact that if it was a broken leg you would seek treatment, so please, please, let me get you some help."

"You're wrong. You're just wrong! You have to be!"

"But I'm not! I'm right, April. Please just trust me. I know I've given you some cause not to trust me, but I need you to trust me right now. You can do this. Take a step forward."

"Alex-

"Take a step towards me. Come on, April. I promise you that you won't regret it. Just one step."

This isn't a part of the plan. It was supposed to be perfect. She was supposed to jump. But could Alex be right? Was there another answer to this?

"Come on, April."

One step isn't that much of a deal, right? She can easily turn back around and jump just as she had planned. One step is ok. One step is doable. So she takes a step. A tiny, shaky, step, but still a step.

"You're still too close to the edge. Just take one more step."

"But you said-

"I know I did, April, but can you just trust me one more time?"

"Why should I? You lied the last time."

"Because I'm you're friend and as much of an asshole I am, I'd never do you any harm. Not after Avery punched the shit out of me that one time. Just start walking towards me, you can do it. Just a few steps. Come on, Kepner. You can do this. You're into that touchy feely shit, right? Well, look! My arms are wide open. Just walk right into my arms."

This isn't how it's supposed to be. She's supposed to die… but Alex. Sweet, sweet Alex. Can she really die before his eyes? Can she really go through with this now that he's here in front of her, begging her not to go?

"Kepner-

He's silenced by her taking half a step. Her legs are shaking and he's all choked up, but he's motioning for her to continue to walk forward with his hands. Her heart is beating impossibly fast. What is she doing? Before she can process her thoughts, she takes another step forward, a bigger one. A big enough one that she's now closer to Alex than the edge, and before she can even blink she's encompassed by him.

"Damn it Kepner," he cries, holding her so tight she thinks that her bones might still end up breaking.

"A-Alex," is all she's able to choke out at the moment, her body frozen in shock as her mind struggles to catch up to the turn of events, but it's enough. Her being there, saying his name is enough for him. Because in that moment, he knows she's safe. He knows that together, they've prevented the irreversible.

"I love you, April. I love you so much god damn it. I'll say it to you every day for the rest of your life. I'm not even into that sappy shit but I will. I'll tell you I love you every day for the rest of your long, long freaking life."


End file.
